The Hidden Bruises & Swelling

After the deep cut of my hand many years ago. I always have the conscious of my own emotion reaching up to the extreme limit. There are two times in life that I totally lost control that I know if I have any dangerous items on my hand, I will have no doubt to kill myself without hesitation. It may sound silly & childish to you, but, I know that is a fact. One time It was during a drive, I was so unstable and tempted to pull my steering off the road at a very high speed. I fought so hard to resist the temptation & slowly pull down the car & stopping at the road side for more than half an hour! The other one was in a few night ago, I am tempted to took a knife to poke into my heart because of it pain! Thanks to my child cane! It was the cane that I quickly hold in stead of the knife & continuous beating myself untill I couldn't hold on to the pain. I had bruises, minor cut and swollen all over my leg. Luckily I am wearing long pants that covering up my wound everyday..